No, Switzerland Is Not a Gun Paradise

By Fabia Morger

In the light of recent events, I occasionally hear voices in the murky corners of the Internet referring to Switzerland as a country where everybody is “armed to the teeth” and, yet, we’ve never had a school shooting and everyone’s leading a perfectly happy, gun-loving life. It’s usually accompanied with this photo, although, to be honest, I haven’t been able to find out whether the landscape and the people in the picture are actually Swiss. The weapons they’re carrying look like the standard weapon of the Swiss army (SG550), so it might be authentic:

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How to Have Consensual Sex in Sweden (or Anywhere in the World)

By Fabia Morger

In light of the media hype surrounding the new Swedish consent law, confusion seems to have arisen about how to have consensual sex. I mean, how on earth can anybody find out if their partner actually wants to have sex? It’s one of the greatest world mysteries right next to the Collatz conjecture. But, worry not, Fabia’s got your back. Since I’m obviously a genius, I’ve managed to have consensual sex in Sweden more times than I can count (sorry for the overshare but now you know – I am having sex!), and I’m going to share my wisdom with all of you. Are you ready to have your mind blown?

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Platonic

Dear X,

I dream of a sexless world inhabited by a people without carnal urges. The human need to hump each other disgusts me. What makes us better than rabbits on the field whose primary life urge is to breed? Every romantic letter, every tender declaration of love is somehow linked to the fact that you want to get naked with someone else and get in touch with their genitals. How incredibly profane!

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Tear Down the Blindfolds!

Dear X,

This farce that you call a romantic relationship ends now. If you should feel shocked or grieved by this news I really don’t care.

You want to know the reason? Here it is: you’ve never loved me and I have too much self-respect to be with someone whose feelings are as insincere as yours are for me. I’m sure you’re completely dumbfounded now and really keen on talking me out of this folly. Don’t waste your breath.

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Insufferable annoyance

Dear X,

I’m sorry but this has to stop. My limit is reached and my resources are exhausted. It’s not you, or, at least, not entirely you.

The truth is: I can’t stand being with you anymore. You’re driving me crazy. It was okay before we started living together but once I got a deep insight in your lifestyle I really have to face it: this will never work.

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