Author Archives: fabiamorger

No, Switzerland Is Not a Gun Paradise

By Fabia Morger

In the light of recent events, I occasionally hear voices in the murky corners of the Internet referring to Switzerland as a country where everybody is “armed to the teeth” and, yet, we’ve never had a school shooting and everyone’s leading a perfectly happy, gun-loving life. It’s usually accompanied with this photo, although, to be honest, I haven’t been able to find out whether the landscape and the people in the picture are actually Swiss. The weapons they’re carrying look like the standard weapon of the Swiss army (SG550), so it might be authentic:

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How to Have Consensual Sex in Sweden (or Anywhere in the World)

By Fabia Morger

In light of the media hype surrounding the new Swedish consent law, confusion seems to have arisen about how to have consensual sex. I mean, how on earth can anybody find out if their partner actually wants to have sex? It’s one of the greatest world mysteries right next to the Collatz conjecture. But, worry not, Fabia’s got your back. Since I’m obviously a genius, I’ve managed to have consensual sex in Sweden more times than I can count (sorry for the overshare but now you know – I am having sex!), and I’m going to share my wisdom with all of you. Are you ready to have your mind blown?

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Plagiarism. Or: An Honest Mistake.

Dramatis Personae:

Student (hereafter: S)

Professor (hereafter: P)

Setting: The professor’s office. The professor is sitting behind the desk reading through some papers. A knock on the door is heard.

P: Come in please!

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The Self-Involved Talker

Disclaimer: this text is not an academic treatise of a serious topic. So, if you complain about emotional and unreasonable arguing – “lavabo in innocentia manus meas”! Continue reading

Glad Tidings

Dear X,

You’re probably surprised that I’m sending you this break-up letter considering that you probably don’t even know my name. So, don’t you worry, this letter has really nothing to do with you. Truly: it isn’t you, it’s me.

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Platonic

Dear X,

I dream of a sexless world inhabited by a people without carnal urges. The human need to hump each other disgusts me. What makes us better than rabbits on the field whose primary life urge is to breed? Every romantic letter, every tender declaration of love is somehow linked to the fact that you want to get naked with someone else and get in touch with their genitals. How incredibly profane!

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Gladiators

Dear X,

It breaks my heart but I have to remove myself from our bond. And I have to do it now, while we are happy before we drift back into our spiral of boredom and rage. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know that in the long run it’s better than to be stuck in the dead thing that our relationship has become. Continue reading