It breaks my heart but I have to remove myself from our bond. And I have to do it now, while we are happy before we drift back into our spiral of boredom and rage. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I know that in the long run it’s better than to be stuck in the dead thing that our relationship has become.
Because that’s what it is, our romance, a dead thing. Most of our time we spend together we hardly talk and if we talk it’s only about the things that don’t really matter. When we laugh together it’s empty and short-lived. And then comes the reanimation: a huge fight in which we throw all those truths, that we have kept inside of ourselves for so long, into one another’s faces. How I am too disorderly, how you are too emotional, how you’re still angry with me for cheating on you three years ago… We fight and fight, scream at each other for hours; it becomes an exorcism of all the badness in our lives. And, in the end, reconciliation: is there anything sweeter than making up with you? Telling you, slowly and shyly, that I am sorry and hearing you reply that you’re sorry, too? We ensure each other how much we’re actually in love and seem certain that, now that we’ve overcome this fight, we’re going to make it through everything together.
But that’s not true. With every fight we lose a piece of ourselves and of our love. I’m starting to grow afraid of how much I like fighting with you, like it’s a discharge for all the annoyances of life. The rush of adrenaline excites me, I try to find the best ways to hurt you, go through all your vulnerabilities, and I strive to dominate you, to abuse you with my words… It’s scary how alive I feel when we’re fighting. It’s like fighting is the only thing we have. That’s why I can’t do that anymore. You deserve a better relationship and I deserve it, too. We’ve been consoling ourselves with the thought that fighting is a normal part of a healthy relationship but it’s not; not the way we do it. We’re like gladiators, you see? Our living room is our arena, fighting our purpose of life. I don’t want to be with someone that I want to hurt. We both deserve better.