By Raph al Guul
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure and an honor to introduce to you our most recent product today. Get your wallets and checkbooks ready, because you will want to equip yourself with one of these bad boys as soon as possible. I am of course talking about our brand-new rapture survival kit. Catering to all your tribulation-needs, the Arma-Get-It-On© provides you with everything you could possibly need to make it in the apocalyptic scenario! Whether you are still waiting to be taken up to heaven, or you have been too naughty to be eligible for your rapture, this kit will ensure your survival1. And today only, you can profit from the special revelation-deal: only $299.99 instead of the regular prize of $350. Do not let this opportunity slip away, ladies and gentlemen!
The Arma-Get-It-On© includes basic tools, such as a hammer, a saw, and a screwdriver, but also a baseball-bat, which can be used for recreational purposes or as an effective melee weapon alternatively. The kit also contains a Swiss army knife2 that provides you with a blade, another, slightly smaller blade, a pair of very blunt scissors, a can-opener, a corkscrew, a nail file, a comb, a rape whistle, and of course a tooth-pick. Plan your perfect postapocalyptic afternoon picnic: bat a few balls with your son3, fend off potential zombies by using bats or knives respectively, feast on the canned peaches included in your Arma-Get-It-
On© rapture survival kit, and enjoy the beautiful sunset or burning horizon with a glass of red wine4. Thanks to the manicure- and hair care products, as well as the NIVEA FOR MANKIND deodorant spray, you will be able to look and smell presentable despite the grizzly conditions you might find yourself in before, during, or after the rapture.
For a small additional fee of only $54.99, we will upgrade your kit to the Dwell & Prosper package. Are you planning on repopulating the earth after all the Christians were taken upstairs and the land is being ravaged by violence and corruption? Then this is the deal for you. It includes a pack of pre-pierced condoms, ensuring procreative success5 one way or another. To secure resources for the future population of post-apocalyptic earth, the Dwell & Prosper package provides you with various seeds, including wheat, corn, and daffodil6. Soon
enough, you will be building basic wooden shelter according to the package’s exclusive “Post-Apocalyptic Accommodations” guide-book, and you and your newly founded family will be safe and comfortable even after Armageddon7.
For the bravest and most adventurous among you, we also offer the Horsemen Hunter package. For the laughable upgrade cost of $129.99, we will give you a chance to face off against the legendary riders of the apocalypse8. Be it Pestilence, War, Famine, or Death, the Horsemen Hunter package will equip you with the tools to combat any and all of them. Providing you with a vaccine, a text book on military budgeting, a tuna sandwich, and a defibrillator, this package is sure to ruin the four horsemen’s day and possibly even stop the apocalypse in its very tracks. For additional style, this upgrade also includes a cool fedora and
a pair of timeless sunglasses to make your end-time-heroism not go unnoticed.
Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is real. The Arma-Get-It-On©, be it in its standard version or upgraded to the Dwell & Prosper or Horsemen Hunter package, offers so many benefits in any upcoming rapture-scenario, you would be silly not to buy one – if not more than that. And only today, you can get either one of them with the mind-blowing revelation-discount! When the rapture comes, will you be the one to endure? With Arma-Get-It-On© you will be9! Get yours now.
Use at your own discretion. I cannot guarantee that the rapture will occur during the customer’s lifetime or ever at all. I cannot guarantee the viability of any tools, weapons, or other materials provided in an environment altered by the apocalypse. Arma-Get-It-On© is not designed for children below the age of 12. There will be no refunds. Arma-Get-It-On© cannot legally be sold or owned in the following countries:
Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Argentina, Armenia, Australia, Austria, Bangladesh, Belgium, Bolivia, Brazil, Bulgaria, Cambodia, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, England, Finland, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Guatemala, Haiti, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Kosovo, Latvia, Libya, Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Madagascar, Mexico, Monaco, Morocco, Namibia, Nepal, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Norway, Pakistan, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Serbia, Singapore, Slovakia, Slovenia, Somalia, South Africa, Spain, Swaziland, Sweden, Switzerland, Syria, Taiwan, Thailand, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, Vatican City, Venezuela, Vietnam, Yemen, Zambia, Zimbabwe.
1 Survival cannot be guaranteed.
2 Made in China
3 Your son’s rapture survival kit will have to be purchased separately.
4 Glasses are not included in the rapture survival kit.
5 A suitable mate is not included in the Dwell & Prosper package.
6 Vendors of Arma-Get-It-On© are not liable for daffodil-poisoning.
7 Safety and comfort cannot be guaranteed.
8 The legendary riders of the apocalypse are not included in the Horsemen Hunter package.
9 Endurance cannot be guaranteed.