A Short Story About Peeing on Things, and Why I Am Now Hiding Under a Table

Raph al Guul

Something peculiar just happened to me. I cannot quite figure out why it did; I think I may have done something wrong, or maybe the person I live with is just in a really douchy mood. Either way, now my back hurts and I am miserable and sad. And I wonder if there will be food any time soon. Here’s what happened:

I like to pee on things. I am sure you do, too – everyone does. It’s a wonderful way of saying: “This is my place, act accordingly or get the hell out.” So whenever I go somewhere new, and especially when I go somewhere where I have not been for a while, I immediately leave a mark by peeing on important land marks like stones, walls, and trees. Except of course if someone else has already claimed that place before. In that case, it usually comes down to a question of strength; the stronger one gets to stay, the other one scrams.

Of course, as with all things in life, there are complications. I do not live alone. The person I live with is kind of nice. She leaves me be most of the time; I like that. At other times, she hangs out with me, scratching my back, whispering sweet nothings in my ear; that’s cool, too. There’s just one problem. She does not seem to pee on things. While I understand that I might not be able to see her actually do it, as I like to be unnoticed myself when it comes to these things, I really wonder why I cannot ever smell it anywhere.

So when we first moved in together, I figured that she was going to leave the peeing to me. I am the cooler one of the two of us anyway, though not the stronger one. All in good faith, I started leaving my mark on everything in the house: floors, walls, doors, cupboards, chairs, sofas, carpets – everywhere. But when the person I live with saw it, she got very angry and even hit me. It hurt a lot and I was sad and confused. Apparently, she didn’t want me to pee on things inside the house; I never got mistreated when I did it outside. So I figured I’d only pee outside.

Now, a couple of weeks ago, snow started falling and these days, it’s a mess outside. Don’t get me wrong, I like snow. It’s fun to play in and do all sorts of silly things with. But it’s also so incredibly cold and wet, and I’d rather just hang out inside, where it’s ridiculously warm (not sure why that is, anyway). Plus, there really isn’t a need for peeing on things that are covered in snow, as the snow usually disappears or renews itself quite frequently. Whenever I see something that is not covered in snow, I will of course leave my mark, though.

And that’s what happened today; I found a tree. There were many things weird about this tree. First of all, it seemed to be somewhat deformed and bear weird fruit. But I don’t know much about trees. I sometimes like to climb them, but other than that, I don’t care about them. So I didn’t really know what to make of this tree that I had never noticed before bearing the weirdest fruit I had ever seen at a time when everything else was covered in snow, but quite frankly, I didn’t overthink it.

The second thing that was weird is that up to that point, I had thought that the area where that tree is growing was part of the inside. The temperature was quite pleasant and constant, there was hardly any wind, snow, or rain; it all very much seemed like part of the inside. However, trees don’t grow inside houses, so obviously this deduction must have been faulty. Apparently this was the outside. Naturally, I approached the tree and smelled it. There was no sign of a pee mark on it. I knew what I had to do.

And this is where it gets even weirder. Only seconds after I had finished demarcating my new acquisition of territory, the person I live with came near the tree and saw what I did. She had seen me pee on trees before, and it seemed to be okay, because trees were part of the outside world. But this time, she got really angry. She took the weird, long object that she was carrying and threw it at me. I did not expect such a reaction whatsoever. If anything, I thought she would be proud that I had acquired property this near to the house. It is thus understandable that, despite my reflexes of which I am quite proud, I could not evade the projectile and was hit in the back.

It hurt a lot and I ran inside as fast as I could. I found a hiding place below a table in a corner. That’s where I am now. I wonder: What is the meaning of this? Was that weird tree somehow important to the person I live with? Was she maybe planning on mating there? To pee on her mating place would be really offensive. But she usually mates somewhere inside the house and it’s always the same place, so it would be weird if this was the origin of the problem. Maybe she wanted to pee on that particular tree, herself? Why out of all the trees would she choose that one, though? She never pees on things. Am I perhaps no longer allowed to leave my mark even on the outside world? That’d be awful and really surprising. I don’t know what happened, but to be honest, I am way too sleepy now to think about it any more. I’m just gonna curl up under this table and nap for a while…

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