Raph al Guul
Note that I am known for a rather negative attitude towards both Christmas and Christianity. The following story is a parody that expresses these sentiments to some extent and if you fear that this might offend you, I suggest you do not read on. You have been warned.
Almost two-thousand years ago, something happened that would change the world forever. At first glance, you’d probably think that it’s really not that significant. It was something that happens every now and then all over the world, something for which we wouldn’t have to go back in time that far. A young woman gave birth to a child. Yet, this particular birth we remember nonetheless, because it was such an extraordinary event. This is the story of that event.
It was a cold night in a small town called Bethlehem. Joseph and his pregnant wife Mary were looking for a place to stay. They both knew all too well that the birth of their son was near and that it might happen this very night. Particularly Joseph was in great anticipation of that moment. You see, Joseph was not the child’s natural father. When he first found out that his wife had cheated on him, he had gotten very angry. However, when he heard that the one she had slept with was god, he obviously had to accept it and tag along. And since they were living in quite racist times, he was wondering what color of skin god had and if it would show on the baby.
But as for right now, they had bigger problems. Apparently, all the bed and breakfast places in Bethlehem seemed to be fully booked. But both Joseph and Mary obviously were very skeptical people who would never have dreamed of simply accepting things without questioning them. They were suspicious that the owners of the hostels simply didn’t want to have to deal with a pregnant woman and her supposedly naive husband. Joseph was particularly annoyed at that last part. Soon, they got to the last place that they had not tried, yet. They knew this because they had purchased a map on which all the local b&b’s were listed, and they had started crossing off every place on that list after being rejected there.
Joseph, having grown dangerously grumpy by now, knocked at the door. An ugly old hag opened and asked: “What do you guys want?” Joseph answered: “Hi, ugly old hag. We need a room. My wife is super-pregnant right now and she is going to give birth to a guy that we will call Jesus. And even though we don’t have the technology to look at penises of unborn children, yet, we know that it is going to be a son, because he is god and in our sexist times, there is no way that god could be a chick.” The old hag looked surprised; “TMI”, she thought. But then she smiled at Joseph, quickly tried to catch a look at the prego next to him, and answered: “Sorry, there is not a single vacant room left.”
Mary saw that her husband was about to explode. She leaned forward and whispered something in his ear. Now, if this was a true story, there would be no way of knowing what it was that Mary said to Joseph in secrecy. However, since this story is in fact entirely fictional, it is possible for me to report that it was something like this: “Hey, remember how I am pregnant with Jesus, who is essentially god? Why don’t we ask him for his support. I mean… He is god and all, right?” Joseph grinned at the hag and said: “Okay, listen, ugly old hag, here’s the cheese: I have god’s son in the womb of my wife here and I am not afraid to use him. And as you know, by a very logical principle that will be explained to you later, god’s son is also god himself. So I suggest you let us into your freaking hostel before he goes all ‘messiah’ on your ass!”
The ugly old hag felt a combination of confusion and helplessness. There really were no vacancies. She didn’t know why the two strangers were so distrustful. How could people with such a negative attitude towards their fellow neighbors be chosen to bring god into this world? And what was she supposed to do now? If she lied and told them that there was room, when in truth there was none, god would get angry. And if she tells them to go away, the same would happen. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t make much sense to anger an almighty being if it is right in front of you in the womb of a woman. “But, I… there really isn’t… could you…” Joseph had enough: “Yo, baby-Jesus! She’s all yours.”
Baby-Jesus had been sitting in Mary’s womb for quite a while now. It was a narrow space and it was rather boring as there was not much that he could do around here. There certainly weren’t any toys in Mary’s womb. He was happy to hear Joseph call for him. Sure, he originally had different plans – you know… get born in a nasty old cottage, freeze his toes off while being stared at by two dumb barn-animals – but fuck it, there was only so much boredom a god could take. With a glaring beam of light, baby-Jesus emerged from his mother’s vaginal canal. Mary didn’t feel any pain during this process of sped up birth – one of the perks of being in a piece of literature, I guess.
“So, ugly old hag, you were saying?” baby-Jesus asked. He didn’t wait for the answer. With a snap of his tiny baby-fingers, he made the ugly old hag vaporize in an instant. Joseph looked shocked. That was not what he had imagined baby-Jesus would do. “I’ve created a monster!” he exclaimed – and it was an okay thing to exclaim, since this phrase had not yet been overused and made meaningless by Hollywood writers. Immediately, baby-Jesus turned, looked at him, and snapped his fingers again. While feeling his own complete disintegration, Joseph reflected on how he couldn’t believe that he had just been revoked his right to existence by a baby that he had summoned in the first place. He felt really dumb – and a lot of pain. Good thing that instants tend to be over really quickly.
Baby-Jesus sat there and couldn’t believe what he had done, either. Holy crap, this was intense! Originally, he had thought he was gonna go ahead and get crucified, but this was way cooler! Why would he let himself get nailed to a piece of wood if he had this kind of power? He could rule the fucking world! And that’s what happened. Baby-Jesus grew up and took control of the world. With his godly powers, he gained political authority by eliminating all who opposed his omniscient will. It was pretty easy; whenever people thought of resisting anything that Jesus did, he simply eradicated them. Or, since he had the power to look into the past and the future, he sometimes also just prevented the birth of those who would later try to oppose him.
So it happened that the world became a better place. A place, where sinners were never born and where the righteous never went hungry. It was paradise on earth and in order to honor himself, Jesus, who was god and thus immortal, instituted the celebration of the day that he was born to live forever. He thought it was something really cool to have the entire world celebrate his birthday. And he was kinda right, wasn’t he? I mean, who would celebrate his birthday these days, if it hadn’t been such a spectacular event and if he hadn’t gone on to do some good for the world, instead of simply dying on a cross?